Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
