Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
