I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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