I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
