Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
