if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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