party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
