Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
