And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
