I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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