Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
