he was CRYING into my vagina
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I wish there were birth control emojis
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
