Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
