Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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