I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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