tell your sister to shave her snatch
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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