Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
