there's paper in my vomit.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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