Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week