wrigley field is MILF paradise
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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