According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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