Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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