Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
