Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
