would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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