His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize