I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
