I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
