dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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