Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
