I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
