had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
