Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
