A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
