Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
