I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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