two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
