Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
