i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my shit smells like andre
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
