I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
