This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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