i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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