Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
