nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
