watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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