my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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