I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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