did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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