here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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