I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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