every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
