Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
