can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
