tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
