i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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