There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
