There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
